Down with the Gowns

Welcome to this year's edition of Oscar-fashion-commentary-coming-totally-later-than-every-other-internet-site-in-the-world! Rah! Anyway, we all know that it's not about the timing, more about what random things each publication/blog chooses to say. And since I've read all I want to read about the exact shade of Michelle Williams' LV dress (coral, we get it) I'll try to offer some different takes, and present some of the less usual suspects. (Like... John Corbett? With Bo Derek?)

My best-dressed of the evening amid what was a somewhat lackluster red carpet, was Rooney Mara in Givenchy Couture. Which is biased because I just like her so much without ever having seen her in anything. I refuse to watch her movie until I finish the book, and I can't finish the book because my Kindle died. So I will just say that I love it when Goth chicks wear white.


Li Bingbing gets to go EVERYWHERE nowadays. She's at Cannes; she's at the Oscars... WHY? It teaches poor morals for our children. Like, all you have to do is be a really pretty Asian girl and you can go to all the best parties and wear all the prettiest dresses. I wonder if it's any fun for her? Does she speak English? She wears Georges Chakra Couture beautifully, whatever the answers are to those questions.


I haven't seen Steven Spielberg recently. I did not realize how much he looks like my chief editor. Or maybe it's that whole out-group homogeneity thing, and all white guys with beards look the same to me. "Santa? Is that you?"


I hate women over 60 who look better than me. You'd think I'd be used to it, if you saw one of our ex-bosses.


Why does Kelly Ripa get to go to the Oscars? I really like her, and her white dress. I thought I read somewhere that Carolina Herrera only wanted to dress one celeb (Tina Fey) but maybe I read wrong.


DID NOT KNOW THAT AIDAN SHAW IS DATING BO DEREK. I thought she liked olllddd guys. He's younger than her. But apparently they're 10 years on and going strong. And seriously, how do all these people get invited to the Oscars? I just wiki-ed it and neither of them is in any Oscar-worthy fodder, unless you count John Corbett being in Ramona and Bejeezus. Bejeezus indeed.


Santa Claus? Is that you? Oh, no. It's Nick Nolte.


Some will disagree but I liked Cameron Diaz in this orange VB dress so much more than that other lame pink thingy with feathers she wore to the main event.


So, John Corbett and Bo Derek and Kelly Ripa and Li Bingbing all get to go to the Oscars. And Zoe Saldana is at the after-party only. Looking event-appropriate and so super dialled-down chic in Marios Schwab. Hollywood is an interesting place.


Kate Bosworth in Prabal Gurung. When she wears something this normal (and on Oscar night) it makes you realize that it's not just about her wearing really cool stuff all the time. Girlfriend is just freaking hot, and THAT is why she is an It girl and we are just... girls.


FREAKING LOVE VERA WANG ALL THE TIME.


This is Felicity Jones. I know she's supposed to be famous, I don't know why, and someone is going to make fun of me in the comments like when I had no idea why Jenna Lyons was at CFDA wearing J.Crew. But... I like her dress.


And now to the crowd-pleasers... Gwyneth Paltrow wouldn't have received half the props she did without the cape. It's a beautiful look, but the cape adds a risk factor -- sans, seen here, it's a very typical Paltrow sheath gown with a strategic splice somewhere, exactly what she always wears. Still, savvy move donning the cape for the carpet.


First, let's talk about the dress. Great dress. Angie can be such a downer sometimes, all saving the world and having lots of babies and having no time to eat and being too cool for fashion, that it's a pleasure to see her actually try. But people rightly keep talking about that weird prosthetic leg sticking out of that slit. I can't help but wonder -- is she actually standing normally, but the dress is constructed to be askew, so her leg seems like it's sticking out but it's really the dress construction? Such questions boggle the mind. And remind us why Angelina Jolie never gets dressed up. Because when she does, we all keep debating her leg, and forget to donate money to Cambodian orphans.


I remember when Michelle Williams was the chipmunk-cheeked slut on Dawson's Creek. And nobody liked her, and everybody loved Joey Potter. Oh, how times have changed! Now, the ground she walks on is paved from mermaid scales, and Katie Holmes is beard to a Scientologist. (She actually looked great in Elie Saab that night too, but nobody cares.) And Pacey is dating Diane Kruger! And Dawson... had a guest-star gig on How I Met Your Mother. This just goes to show, that just because you're lame in high school doesn't mean you will be when you grow up. Or vice versa.
By the way, I do think she looks adorable in Louis Vuitton, but it's sort of the best out of a rather boring crowd this year.


Didn't I just say how much I hate 60-year-olds who looks hotter than me? I never even liked Zac Posen until I saw Glenn Close in this.


Milla Jovovich is the only female celebrity that can be as hot as she is, and have you still want to be her friend. She seems like a good time. Like, even if she's wearing a million-dollar Elie Saab gown in whiter-than-white, she'd still go down with you to Burger King and eat a Whopper Jr meal, and wear the BK crown, too.


Rose Byrne, on the other hand, seems like the kind of hot girl that is so scary. Like Rachel McAdams in Mean Girls. So she wears an exquisite Vivienne Westwood gown, but it's smartly ankle length, because otherwise the other girls who are jealous are going to step on her train or try to trip her.